Gimme Ten Bucks And A Head Start

I am having one of those days (or one of those slew of days) where you just feel, off.  Where I just want to be left alone.  Where every minor thing somehow is wrong.  Where I don’t feel right in my own skin.  Where I somehow manage to be pissed off by my own damn self, thinking ‘god I wish she would fuck off right now’.  My head doesn’t shut up and my body doesn’t feel right.  Always thinking thinking thinking.  Whining.  Complaining.  Fidgeting.  Uncomfortable.  Irritated and anxious.  Jesus Christ.  This blog is pissing me off.  How is this possible?

Seriously.  What. The. Fuck.

This isn’t actually that unusual.  Well, ok it is, but when I get glimpses of this feeling it can generally be solved by a long run and lack of human interaction.   Which I fully intend to use as treatment tomorrow morning.  But this time it’s a bit more than a bad mood.  My usual PMS bullshit combined with my existing weird mood of late has seemingly formed some sort of turbo-freak of a state of mind.  So what’s the difference?  Hm.  Shall we?  Sure.

Lately (more specifically ever since the clock struck 2011), it’s been lurking.  I suppose the easy thing to say is to admit that I’m freaked out that we are now coming up to the middle of month 5 of a 6 month program.  That I am scared shitless of leaving.  That I’m scared I’ll be going home to a life that I don’t know or care to understand.  That every time I think about the possibility that I might never see the boys again I feel like I could cry and never stop.   I find myself between two worlds.  Two times. The start of this experience – and not just this internship, but the entire experience that encompasses it – and the possibility of the end.  The further I move from the beginning the closer I get to the end.  And I guess I just don’t know what that means. 

I think the other, more difficult reason to admit for my recent peculiar state of mind is that I’ve realized I have absolutely no fucking clue what I want to be when I grow up.  For four years it was “nurse”.  My passions were high and my goals clear.  Even six months ago I knew.  Even one month ago.  And now I feel like I don’t have a clue in the world.  I can do anything.  Anything in the entire world.  And I know it, 100%.  And while most of the time I find this to be a huge rush and one of the most exciting things imaginable, as of late (again, alter ego Caroline emerges) it has felt more daunting than anything.  Because there are so many wonderful things to feel passionate about I find myself without for any of them.  It used to be that there was an end-vision I saw for myself; there were a million and one ways to make it happen, and I was happy to just stumble around and do things as they came – always with faith that it would get me there.  Now the vision is blurry, and I find myself unsure of which path to take to get to where I used to want to be.

Ok. So, I just stopped writing after that paragraph (because I heard how god damn depressing it was) and went and sat for about 30 minutes by myself in the dark (I know, strange girl.) and then came back and re-read what I just wrote.  And you know, I think I had the same freak out before I went away to university.  Haha! So much for growing up! Wow.  Not sure what just happened but I literally just started laughing as I read that and now I don’t really give so much of a fuck.  I can’t believe I’ve been so freaked out.  And I can’t believe I’m still having these brutal anxieties about not knowing where I’m going.  Because that always ends up being the best part.  I mean god damn, imagine if I travelled like this! I would want to absolutely kill myself! 

On a more positive note and hugely less emo note, as painful as it will be to leave, I am getting excited to go home (never thought I would say that).  I Skyped with Billy the other day… he was showing me him and Jensen’s new house (amazing, by the way - I wish I could live there).  When he showed me the deck I saw all the snow on the ground, and to Billy’s serious discomfort (sucker) I started crying – in the middle of the day, at work, by myself, in front of my computer.  I had certainly thought about the snow, at Christmas I thought about my family and all the traditions, on NYE I thought about all my friends and what they’d be doing.  Not once did any of those things get me the slightest bit emotional or sentimental.  But a glimpse of real life (albeit via webcam) Canadian snow got to me.  God damn snow.  Always causing shit.   Getting off this tangent:  Even though I am going to be severely drunk (or hungover, depending on how this master travel-plan goes), it is going to feel so good to step off of that Air Canada flight into the Halifax airport, where the accents are thick and the staff are Nova-Scotia-tartan clad. 

I’m starting to miss my family – especially my big brother.  It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten to spend much time with him.  Growing up we always sort of teamed up on Jensen, we were around the same age, and even though we fought a lot we were always connected.  This is a really strange memory to look back on fondly, but I think about it often when I think about Chris:  A few Christmases ago I came home in the morning super hungover and passed out on the couch.  I was in seriously rough shape.  Chris made me a grilled cheese sandwich and put ketchup on the side, and brought it to me with a glass of water.  I ate a bite, took a sip, and passed back out (to make sure I could stomach it).  Bite, sip, sleep.  Bite, sip, sleep.  This continued for the rest of the day.  He hung out with me in the living room, laughing at my slow progress, but keeping me company and entertaining me nonetheless.  It took me the entire day to eat that grilled cheese.  Really not sure why but that is one of my all time favorite memories of him.  This holiday season he went on an adventure to Australia and New Zealand.  Before he left I talked to him on the phone and he just sounded so different.  He didn’t sound like my brother.  He sounded like a man.  I guess I sometimes worry that we’re growing apart.  We are so different and lead such separate lives.  Neither of us checks in that much with each other or with our parents; we both keep to ourselves and do our own thing.  But I still need him.  And I still feel him. 

I’m also really excited to see Jensen.  We didn’t get along in the conventional sense for most of my life (it started with the ice down the diaper), except those times when we would all cover for each other for a broken window (or kitchen lamp post – god I wish we still had that), but last year I lived in Edmonton and I had never been more thankful to have her around.  She is getting married this April in Cuba and I am jacked for the wedding.  Her and Billy are perfect.  They understand each other and work hard at their relationship because they know it’s worth it.  Call me crazy, but I think that’s actually quite rare and very special.  I’m glad I get to be around for a while before we go our separate ways again.  I want to see her in this time of her life.  Jensen has always been two people – sophisticated city and hometown silly.  I think she will always be both.  But I want to be around to see her grow into the woman she’s been becoming for so long.  I’ve always kind of looked up to her.  Not for her outstanding morals or dedication to society, but Jensen has just always known who she is.  She makes it easy to love her.  She is positive, passionate, and deep down she is extremely kind and empathetic, and she would do anything for her family.  Even when she’s in your face with an irrational mood swing, it doesn’t even phase me (or Billy, he understands her too) because that’s just Jensen.  She has always been upfront about who she is and so even her worst qualities aren’t bad, because it’s her.  And she is letting you see that.  Another admirable quality.  Billy is lucky to marry her.  And she is lucky to marry Billy.  Hence why I’m so jacked for this wedding – two of the people I love most in the world are getting married and celebrating.  Wouldn’t miss it for anything.  

And Billy.  Well.  I’m not even going to say anything about Billy because A) it would make him uncomfortable to be talked about on a blog and B) I just don’t need to, he knows what’s up.  Boom.

So yes.  I am excited to get home next month (and dreading the two week re-entry program).  I start teaching quite intensively this Monday and am getting nervous about it.  But it feels good to be working again.  I will be teaching pretty much all day every day, Monday to Friday, 7am-5pm (except Friday afternoons, like hell I was doing that eesh).  Since Lau and I splurged and flew back from Tanzania instead of another 36 hour bus ride, we’ve decided to make some cuts to ease the financial blow.  Until the last week (when we plan to go ape shit in Kigali) we aren’t going to any of our favorite restaurants (this is pretty much the only cut…but also pretty much our only expense).  We have a final trip to Kampala to plan to white water raft the Nile and bungee jump, and I promised a final visit to Eric and Moha.  The next month and a half are going to fly by.  I can remember when I said those words in November (‘before you know it it’s going to be 2011 and we’ll be on our way out’).   I’m trying to remember to take this experience for what it is.  The ups and the downs (especially the downs, she reminds herself) are all a part of it.  I am learning from all of it.  This is the experience. This is exactly it.